I've been distancing myself away from my blog more and more. I don't understand why, and I'm trying not to fabricate this action into being, but something stands barricading my inspiration. What is it? Is it distraction? Distraction from my education, from my lyricism and poetry, from my soul and mind? I've been so stressed out lately that I haven't even contributed anything to my blog lately. Just a few rough poems here or there.
Where has my inspiration gone? I'm at loss for words to construct my thoughts.
I guess I am just getting sick and tired of being cooped up in this hell hole; sick of being banned to hours of solitude in the barren four walls of my room, my loneliness. I have had a lack of inspiration lately because I am stuck in here grounded away from the world that I love - from my friends first off, from the beauty of the outside, from the media - I have no idea what is going on anymore.
What really pisses me off the most is how I can't attend my best friends birthday party where all of my friends will be attending. I am literally stuck in my room because my mom thinks it is a better fit for my academic situation. Doesn't she understand that I crave every second to be outside or with my friends, I can't fucking study because I am so desperate to see my friends. I am so lonely, pretty much on the brink of insanity. The only thing thats keeping me sane is my blog (which I am not allowed to have), my friends at school (whom I am not actually allowed to hang out with, yet I do), and the moments where I sneak on facebook (because without it I literally would go insane). If I didn't have those three things I would probably have to drop out. My friends are what keep me sane, inspired, and motivated. The thing that fucked me up last semester was not my friends distracting me, but me distracting myself. It was my friends who encouraged me to go to class and to work hard, but I fell behind as I feel deeper into a self-inflicted depression, where apathy poisoned my heart.
But that has subsided, I have moved on from that, grown away from it. But of course, my mom still doesn't believe it. She never has faith in me, and maybe if she saw how her negativity doesn't encourage my academic status at all, then she wouldn't be so fucking blind as to realize I need my friends and the world. I am seriously struggling to just survive this. I can never sleep anymore because all I want to do is get out, all I want to do is hang out with my friends. I mean for fuck's sake, at least let me do stuff on the weekends. You are seriously going to make me sit in my room all fucking day studying. Are you fucking stupid? That is too much, I had a class where you can't over study because the brain can't handle that. And that is what she is doing, she is inflicting all these headaches on me. I just need out.
I need to go on saturday. I miss all of my friends, I am sick of doing this.
I could write on and on, but I am getting a headache from even thinking about it.